My wife and I were returning home from a friends place.
We were in our car, on a familiar road, and we were chatting about many topics. It was fun. With a new baby, we don’t get a lot of opportunities for long talks.
Somewhere in the middle of the 45-minute drive, she said, “Do you think we should have spent as much on X?”
Think about a conversation you had with your partner on any sticky topic. You start casually where you both are putting across your points, giving the space for the other to finish their side, and actually listening to each other.
But then. Slowly the conversation starts to take a turn. It becomes a debate where one word in the three sentences your partner says pings you. You start talking about that instead. Before you know it, you have stopped listening to the other person (“Wait! Let me finish before you start talking!” is a common phrase), and it is a blown out argument. You don’t even remember the topic with which the discussion started.
Oh boy, that’s what happened to us. Near the end of our drive, we were arguing (in low voices so that we don’t wake up our daughter who is sleeping in the car seat).
At one point, I just wanted to end the argument. So I did what every rational (err cough cough) person does to end the argument. I framed a sentence that I knew would kill the argument and hurt my partner enough that she would stop talking for some time.
It reminded me of the mythology series I would see as a child where a warrior will call for a powerful arrow in a fight. Haha
That was it. The arrow hit the target but it obliterated everything for that day and a bit of the next day (“Varun freaks out if I give him a cold shoulder for even half a day :)” – my wife). For some, this can be weeks!
It sucks. It can ruin the atmosphere at home and flow into other areas of life such as work and fitness.
Now, there has never been a time I haven’t regretted saying something hurtful because at the end of the day I love my wife. A lot. I am sure you love your partner as well. But we still fall for the same mistake.
I’ll be honest I don’t know how to make sure I don’t hurt her by saying something stupid from time to time. I have systems for many things but haven’t figured this one out yet.
If you have been remotely successful or trying a technique — please share your advice with me?
I am currently working on my master’s in counseling and as it happens just started my course in couples counseling. I am not in a place where I feel I have the depth of knowledge to offer much to you but I will recommend some books by John Gottman. He is a scientist who has developed data driven approaches to strategies. The book I am reading for my class is called The Marriage Clinic.
Interesting points I have taken from the book so far are 1) conflict is inevitable 2) 60% of conflicts are non-resolvable because they arise from personality differences between the people but every time the conflict arises functioning relationships move the conflict forward a little and improve connection and understanding and finally, 3) the idea of the 4 horseman of the apocalypse.
Conflict will happen, even in highly functioning relationships. Highly functioning relationships have ways to soften conflict at the beginning and as it goes along. They have various repair behaviors that include self deprecating humor and shifting focus for awhile, among others.
60% of conflicts are not resolvable because they arise out of differences in personalities, habits, cultures, and so forth. When the conflict arises, functioning couples use repair strategies and similar to move the conflict along. And they use acceptance, “that’s just the way they are” thinking to remain open to hearing what the other person feels and wants.
Avoiding what Gottman calls the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse’ to the extent possible. These horseman are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Highly functioning couples use everyone of these conflict approaches except contempt. Criticism is “I hate it when you dump your socks on the floor.” We all do this from time to time, even when we know the person is still going to dump their socks on the floor. Contempt is “why are you such a jerk all the time by not picking up your stupid socks.” Contempt is personal, criticism is not. Defensiveness is what it sounds like, “I don’t always dump my socks on the floor, only when I am tired.” Stonewalling is avoidance, and not responding. Gottman calls stonewalling a kind of self soothing technique, a temporary exit strategy. If it’s temporary, it doesn’t necessarily become a problem.
I am very fascinated by these ideas because I see them at play everywhere I look. I saw them at work places, between bosses and coworkers, teachers and students, brothers and sisters, my mother and father, myself and my family.
It sounds like your little zingers are a form of contempt although, not knowing you, I could be wrong. It could be an attempt to inject humor but the humor in a conflict really needs to be mostly self deprecating or mutually agreed upon “inside jokes” not at the expense of the other. They feel good at the time, zingers, but they undermine safety and trust making conflict feel unsafe where conflict will happen and needs to happen.
If I were to make one recommendation is to avoid zingers. I know they are tempting when you are frustrated, I have used them as a teacher with students who are being really frustrating and it never worked well for anyone.
I have included a link to the Gottman institute Antidotes to the 4 horsemen: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/ . He has a YouTube channel that you can search and of course a ton of books on Amazon.
Hi Beth,
This is an excellent and rich response. Thank you so much. You have helped me articulate a lot of my thoughts. My best insights are:
* 1) conflict is inevitable 2) 60% of conflicts are non-resolvable because they arise from personality differences between the people but every time the conflict arises functioning relationships move the conflict forward a little and improve connection and understanding
* These horseman are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Highly functioning couples use everyone of these conflict approaches except contempt.
* It sounds like your little zingers are a form of contempt although, not knowing you, I could be wrong. (You are close.)
Again, thank you for sharing!
I have these words written on a sticky note at my work desk – “Don’t React but Respond”. Profound words but extremely hard to practice, especially when it comes to loved ones. However, one always keeps trying. I have been successful some times but failed miserably most other times
Hmm, that is interesting. I think what you mean is that when you “react” you are using emotions that are triggered during the discussion whereas by “respond” you mean that you move the discussion forward with your inputs. Thank you for sharing your practice.
I try not to say things that I would not like to hear myself. I keep telling myself that life is unpredictable and so want every conversation with my partner and loved ones to end on a good note. That does not always happen though. At times anger and ego takes over and things get out of control. But I have been trying my best.
Yes, I agree that if we are thinking long term the discussion doesn’t matter as much. Sometimes the circumstances even change and your discussion becomes moot. Like you, I try not to say things that I don’t want to hear myself. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Generally conflicts arise when two people disagree to agree. If you can turn that around and choose to
agree to disagree instead, that would certainly avoid the arguement. This habit has worked wonders for me in professional life and I am trying to practice it in my personal life but I find latter little challenging.